But, She's Your MOTHER!

Hot on the heels of the post to husbands, telling them not to be lazy dumb asses, I offer this, the reality of some folks Mother's Day.

Not everyone that births/raises a child deserves the 'Mother' title.

Hallmark is shrieking right now, as are all the known Unicorns on the planet.

Unicorns, for those unfamiliar with the term, are folks who prance around, shitting glitter, and saying profound things like, "She's the only mother you have!" "But, they're faaaaammiiillly!" "You HAVE to call your mother!" "She's your MOTHER, you HAVE to forgive her!" "Of COURSE she loves you!" "That's just the way she is, you have to let it go!"

Bullshit, says I. Complete, total, and utter bullshit.

There are people out there that shouldn't have raised tomatoes, let alone children. Yet, due to the seemingly sole act of pushing a child from their body (or adopting), are forever sacrosanct and wonderful people, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Nope. Not how it works.

If you act like a bitch, you're a bitch. Being some one's mother should be a reason to treat them BETTER than the rest of the world, not worse.

If you treat a child with a complete lack of respect, are verbally abusive, physically abusive, neglect them unless there's an audience around for you to show off for, you're not a mother.

You're just a shitty human being, who, unfortunately, has dominion over a vulnerable, Innocent child.

Why is it that, when a child grows up from an abusive household, it is expected that the child should grow up, get over it, forgive, and everyone is Happy Family?

No. Just, no.

Society would never tell a rape victim to call their rapist to say Merry Christmas. Or tell someone that's been attacked by a stranger and had the shit kicked out of them to 'quit holding a grudge, and go visit.'

So why, WHY, does anyone think this is even REMOTELY acceptable to tell someone that's grown up in an environment of abuse?

Or, one of my personal favourites, "Yeah, they sucked, but it's because of them that you are who you are today."

Really? REALLY?! Saying that growing up in an abusive home was a CREDIT to their development is worse than Unicorn shit, it's flat out insane.

Would you tell a rape victim to be grateful to her rapist, because she's a stronger person now?

Would you tell the victim of a drunk driver, "Well, you know what NOT to do, because of them."?

To imply that there is a positive credit to be assigned to abusers for how their victims turned out is not only flat out stupid, but it's insulting and invalidating to those who have worked damn hard to overcome all that shit. Who struggle, and possibly always will to get over all of the programming and psychological warfare they endured as children. Who wonder, what better a person, spouse, parent, friend they might be if they hadn't started out in such a nightmare deficit, having to unlearn, relearn, rebuild all the bullshit installed during their childhood, and, instead, had had the basic tools of life that ALL children should have? You know, minor little things like self worth, self care, self love, security, trust, confidence, love, safety...

Just minor wee things.

Mother's Day, Father's Day, and other holidays can be a source of pain for those who grew up with a toxic family. Reminding them of what they don't have, and may never have had to start with.

So, do those of us dealing with estrangement a favour. If you hear of someone that isn't seeing their parents on holidays, don't start telling them to fix things. Don't offer advice. You don't have a clue what the full story is, so keep your mouth shut. Seriously. Change the subject, whatever, but don't dare to imagine that you have even the slightest idea that you know what's going on, and how they got to where they are.

And then, give a silent thanks to whatever Deity you might believe in that you DON'T understand.

Cause it's a shitty place to be.

To (Some) Husbands on Mother's Day

Ok, yes, we've all heard the bitching, about how it's a Haaaaaallllmmmarrrrrk holiday, blah fucking blah.

Ask the average mother of young kids if she cares.

Seriosuly. The folks I usually hear bitching about it being a Hallmark holiday tend to fall into two categories. 1) The husbands and fathers that don't want to be bothered putting the slightest fucking effort into it, and will attempt to justify their lazy, careless bullshit behaviour with, "But you're not MY mother!" (more on that later) and 2) The women married to dickheads like that.

Granted, there are some folks that are anti-commercialism, that genuinely feel that way, but in my experience, it's more born out of years of disappointment than anything else.

Here's the thing: this mothering gig? It's a scary fucking business. Being responsible for the entire existence of another living person? Holy shit. And then add in there that that person is NONVERBAL for two years? And even after the two years, it's trying to translate what the poor lil bugger is attempting to tell you. The kid's looking at you like you're the dumbest ass ever, and yet HE'S the one that gets to throw the tantrum. I think parents of toddlers should be able to join in. It's fucking guesswork. If I had a dollar for everytime I've been asked, "What's wrong with the baby?" when the kid was screaming like all the Hounds of Hell were munching on his toes, I could afford a damn nanny and sleep all night, every night. I don't know why having recently utilized your uterus means that people think it comes with Vulcan mind meld powers to KNOW what's wrong with an infant, but it's fucking stupid. Stop it.

So. After carrying another human being around in her body, birthing this new person, sleep deprivation, and all the rest of the happy horseshit that folks claim as being the MIRACLE of life, spending a couple of bucks on a card, a few flowers, ordering in take out or something, really not that fucking much to ask.

In fact, of the mothers I know, who still have kids at home, you know what they want most?

A DAY OFF.

Seriously. A day to do whatever the hell she wants, without having to take care of anyone else. To sleep in, lay around reading a book, watching tv, not having to cook, clean, or change butts.

Really, not that complicated, not expensive, just takes some effort.

And, this whole, "But you're not MY mother?" bullshit? Fuck you with a rusty spork. Seriously.

If she's mothering your children, she deserves fucking respect and acknowledgement, you lazy bastard.

Get off your ass and do something to show that the effort she makes, what she does, matters.

Cause really, that's the point here. Mothering doesn't come with a pay cheque, or any of the ways that the outside world shows that they value what you do. Mothers get blamed for all sorts of shit that they actually have no control over, and often to the exclusion of anyone and everyone else.

Mothers get blamed for staying at home, and looked down on, called lazy. Mothers get blamed for going to work, and 'putting her career and money ahead of her child!" Mothers get blamed for having an only child, "how selfish!" Mothers get blamed for having many children, "How selfish!"

One day of the fucking year to acknowledge the Mother who's doing the best job she can, raising future adults, and secretly convinced that there's a serious possibility her kid may grow up and be a serial killer because she caught him giggling while stomping the shit out of ants, or worries about her daughter swinging off a pole for a living because the kid insists on being naked except for play high heels, or simply wonders how she can handle another night of walking the floors with a screaming infant on her shoulder...

One day isn't too much to ask.

Happy Mother's Day.